About depression, one souls depiction...

This is a piece written from the depths of despair and strengthened by the joy of the memories I share with those who have provided me with the greatest honor, their love and their time. Depression is a monster. It riddles me with guilt, shame, anger, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, and worthlessness. It has took from me happy days and the ability to trust others. It makes me feel like I am the problem and that world would be better off without me. It makes me see myself as having nothing to offer. It makes me view others as more beautiful, funnier, smarter, and more communicable than me. It makes me feel that no one in their right mind would want to spend time with me. Especially when people say time and time  again that love me when I get this way: what's wrong with you. The time I was told I was going to lose everything because of my depression made me feel totally defeated as if this it in my life, I've reached the pinnacle and everything else is downhill from here. I've lost friends and the opportunity to make friends because of my depression. I've closed myself from truly opening up to people because of the stigma of depression and anxiety. I've had so many moments when I've wanted to run out of meetings at work and drive away. I can't breathe and I don't want to.  I've had too many moments of wanting to abandon people and things and drive to the nearest biggest bridge and jump because the pain is too much to bear. Depression makes me not believe in the future. It makes me feel that I will be never be good enough to have a child, a house, or a marriage or to be wanted by the man I love with all my heart for those things. It robs me of my ability to remember my strengths. Depression makes me jealous of my past, when I did not worry so, when I attended outings with friends and had a stronger support network and when I had faith that all things were possible. It makes me jealous of the present of those who can laugh and draw a crowd so easily. Professionally, it makes me recall when I did things with intent and excitement for the future and not out of duty. It makes me feel less than as a social worker because I appear younger than others and I stay silent in my role. This is the reality of how it is to be me and I have to gather all I have been feeling and hold on and build myself up again, even when I don't know how or where to turn. I have to forgive myself and let go of the negativity within me. I have to forgive others for not understanding and not knowing how to love me as I am. I have to realize it is time to move on from those who cannot love me through my depression and hold tight and be honest with those who will love me unconditionally throughout my depression. I really try to believe that I will be able to conquer this bout of depression and that I will get past this. I will regain my identity and be able to keep my life bounded by the foundation of my strengths and the things I am good at. These strengths are not limited to: the ability to cook and bake and craft (painting, scrapbooking, coloring, decoupaging), gardening, helping others. I want to live for the moments when I can travel throughout New England, go to the beach throughout the summer, exercise and renew my mind and my spirit with endorphins, watch shows and read books, grow in knowledge, meet inspiring people, grow in my faith, and believe in a higher power again, pray without doubt, find joy in each morning, and be happy with the little things and one day pass my reflections and lessons learned to a child of my own. Every day is a new page yet to be written and those I fear death, disappointment and criticism, I will give it my all to fight on. I must build a shield of armor through building my confidence to strengthen myself against the daily despairs. I must believe that I am capable, I am brave, I am resilient, I have accomplished so much and it is not in vain. I must fill myself with courage, renew my compassion, and continue to create a life I was meant to live.