So perhaps it is continuing to try your best,
to be well and do well,
when no one is looking,
when no one reflects on the effort you have been putting in.
Because this life you live is not lived for them,
it is lived for you.
You go home to yourself everyday,
and you don't need to get wrapped up in
the fact that you have to be appreciated by others
and that you have to always win them over.
You don't have to compare yourselves to them,
you don't have to see yourself as less than them.
You don't have to wonder if they like you.
You just have to like you.
How you may ask?
I don't know what I have to offer.
But stop and resonate on your gifts.
The things, skills, and gifts that have brought you this far in your life.
You are beautiful, intelligent, worthy.
You can do things that only you are proficient at.
Think of the times you have accomplished something so unique,
so unlike anything anyone else has done.
See, you have your own identity,
your owns strengths, your own wisdom,
and your own sense of creativity.
You don't need to give all your hope away
to what others may think.
It's enough just letting them go
their seperate ways.
Let those people carry on,
you do you.
You continue to innovate and create.
You continue to lead your heart in the right direction.
Independently seeking what is ultimately
the best for you.

About depression, one souls depiction...

This is a piece written from the depths of despair and strengthened by the joy of the memories I share with those who have provided me with the greatest honor, their love and their time. Depression is a monster. It riddles me with guilt, shame, anger, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, and worthlessness. It has took from me happy days and the ability to trust others. It makes me feel like I am the problem and that world would be better off without me. It makes me see myself as having nothing to offer. It makes me view others as more beautiful, funnier, smarter, and more communicable than me. It makes me feel that no one in their right mind would want to spend time with me. Especially when people say time and time  again that love me when I get this way: what's wrong with you. The time I was told I was going to lose everything because of my depression made me feel totally defeated as if this it in my life, I've reached the pinnacle and everything else is downhill from here. I've lost friends and the opportunity to make friends because of my depression. I've closed myself from truly opening up to people because of the stigma of depression and anxiety. I've had so many moments when I've wanted to run out of meetings at work and drive away. I can't breathe and I don't want to.  I've had too many moments of wanting to abandon people and things and drive to the nearest biggest bridge and jump because the pain is too much to bear. Depression makes me not believe in the future. It makes me feel that I will be never be good enough to have a child, a house, or a marriage or to be wanted by the man I love with all my heart for those things. It robs me of my ability to remember my strengths. Depression makes me jealous of my past, when I did not worry so, when I attended outings with friends and had a stronger support network and when I had faith that all things were possible. It makes me jealous of the present of those who can laugh and draw a crowd so easily. Professionally, it makes me recall when I did things with intent and excitement for the future and not out of duty. It makes me feel less than as a social worker because I appear younger than others and I stay silent in my role. This is the reality of how it is to be me and I have to gather all I have been feeling and hold on and build myself up again, even when I don't know how or where to turn. I have to forgive myself and let go of the negativity within me. I have to forgive others for not understanding and not knowing how to love me as I am. I have to realize it is time to move on from those who cannot love me through my depression and hold tight and be honest with those who will love me unconditionally throughout my depression. I really try to believe that I will be able to conquer this bout of depression and that I will get past this. I will regain my identity and be able to keep my life bounded by the foundation of my strengths and the things I am good at. These strengths are not limited to: the ability to cook and bake and craft (painting, scrapbooking, coloring, decoupaging), gardening, helping others. I want to live for the moments when I can travel throughout New England, go to the beach throughout the summer, exercise and renew my mind and my spirit with endorphins, watch shows and read books, grow in knowledge, meet inspiring people, grow in my faith, and believe in a higher power again, pray without doubt, find joy in each morning, and be happy with the little things and one day pass my reflections and lessons learned to a child of my own. Every day is a new page yet to be written and those I fear death, disappointment and criticism, I will give it my all to fight on. I must build a shield of armor through building my confidence to strengthen myself against the daily despairs. I must believe that I am capable, I am brave, I am resilient, I have accomplished so much and it is not in vain. I must fill myself with courage, renew my compassion, and continue to create a life I was meant to live.

Layers

It's after the trying times end, that we realize there are layers to uncover because of the defenses we have put up in attempts to shield ourselves from the pain. We realize as we start to sort through the feelings, that it will take time to break through these layers. If we stop and don't work on the layers, our complacency will remain, burning deeper and spreading the infection of bitterness on our hearts. We must attend to these layers every day and if we don't, the wall will remain. The wall of anger, hurt, frustration, pain, fear, and anguish. We must do to work to shed the layers by forgiving, by refocusing our minds, seeking joy, laughing, praying, letting go, believing in the future, and by leaving the past in the past.

Think of her...

Think of what she would have wanted for you. 

Think of what would make her happy 

Think of what would bring her joy

Hold on to those thoughts, 

Do what would have made her proud. 

Fight and be strong! 

We are all a work in progress...

Different things come natural to each of us as women... some of us how to fill the role of a mother easy, fall into being a wife as if we were our whole lives, make beautiful quilts, create delicious homemade meals, bake as if it was our job, organize and decorate our homes as if we were an interior designer. From the outside, others look at these things and say, this woman is perfect. I could never do these things. That's where our insecurities creep in. That's where we fail ourselves, when we think less of ourselves in the light of others and let the deceit of defeat indwell us. Is it because some people have more experience, some people have more support, some people have more faith in themselves? Who's to know the exact root of self-loathing thoughts. The fact is though that they are their and we need to change our negative thinking. We need to remember our blessings and the things we are good at. The gifts that we contribute to this world. Even if we don't know how to do things as good as we would like, there is still time to improve. More so, the things that we see as our shortcomings, most people don't even notice. Why continue to drain ourselves of energy when we hold the power to do what is best for us and we ultimately determine our happiness and peace from within. Start with your strengths! I am a friend, I am a daughter, I am smart, I am educated, I am dedicated, I am loyal, I put forth effort, I am willing to learn, I am willing to change when need be, I am not afraid to ask for help, I am up for a challenge. You see, you will find you do know much more than you ever thought and you are worthy. You were meant to give this world your own uniqueness. You do not have to be a cookie cutter version of someone else. You are you! Beautiful, compassionate, helpful, kind, and prosperous in your own ways! Now show the world who you are. There is no shame in being you! Shine your brightest. Now is the time to live your life. Don't wait, don't hesitate. Live each day to the fullest!

You know you are doing the right thing, but that does not take the ache away. You cannot change what was to what has happened now; you cannot force someone to be something they will never be. You need to press on to find peace. The ultimate remedy is time. It doesn't matter where other people are in life; maybe they seem to have it together but you can't live on jealousy. The fact is, people's lives fall apart in an instant and who's to judge one story from another. We all have our own individual path's; one is not better than the other. Our lives are ours alone and we must accept where we are along this journey. We must embrace acceptance that we have the keys to our own lives and that our lives are not a mistake, a failure, or a joke. We are who we are; it's okay to have good and bad days. What matters is that we are still here to breathe the air of the earth and there is still time to reach for our dreams. We must live each day to the most and pray and not lose our hope and our joy.

You find yourself at a crossroads- you are at a standstill, pondering what to do next, questioning why you must once again begin this journey again. Instead of dwelling here and getting stuck in stagnation, your feet must step forward. You must stride ahead and leave the past behind. The road ahead IS better than what you have left behind. There is hope in moving forward. A clear path is in front of you. A fresh start is unfolding. A new day has commenced.